I have had it with all these weird emails from friends asking me to buy this or that product or try this or that slimming pill. I am so not that fat. So upon receiving yet another one of those mails yesterday when I was already in a rather annoyed mood at something else, I decided to craft a polite reply to the companies hacking my friend’s email accounts and spamming my inbox with all this nonsense. The original mail and the reply I typed out went as follows.
Welcome to our company Webwww.baobiemaoy.com, Our major business are wholesale .We provided the electrical products with top quality: motorcycles /notebooks/phones/TV etc.Which come with world famous brands, such as Sony, Apple, HP, Dell. All of our items are Brand new and from the manufactures directly and they owns 1-3 years’ international warranty time. Importantly, you can enjoy the free shipping for most of them. The total expanses just are the item values. You do not need to pay any more extras.
We are looking forward to hearing from you!
Thank you for writing your letter and welcoming me to your company. It is indeed a great honour of mine to have been accepted into the esteemed baobiemaoy corporation. However, one humbly questions how one was accepted when one never applied in the first place you scumbags. I also humbly remind your most esteemed highness that although the English standard of a 5 year old raised in the Ugalaweebahaha tribe in the heart of South Africa may be acceptable to certain individuals, namely the tribes people of the Ugalaweebahaha tribe, it is not to me. Your major business are not wholesale. It IS in wholesale. While I grant that it could be that you intended to write “Our major businesses are in wholesale”, one considered that your most respected personage probably lacks the mental faculty needed to run a lemonade stall, let alone multiple businesses. I could go on to comment on the rotting chunk of tripe that constitutes your understanding of the English language, but I devotedly and lovingly doubt that you’d be able to understand it you moronic slab of concrete go find your manager, a cat, your pet rock or any other object with a higher level of intelligence than the one you apparently currently posses to explain it to you.
No insult intended of course.
Oh, but that is not to say that I do not wish to do business with you oh most venerated baobiemaoy. Nothing would delight me more. As soon as you show me your range of Sony, Apple, HP and Dell electrical motorcycles, I’ll be happy to tell you which ones I want. If you have any unicorns, hobbits or Snuffalumps the Magical Rainbow Dinosaur in your catalog do tell me and I’ll be sure to add them to my Apple Motorcycle orders.
I am looking forward to hearing from you! Don’t worry, I can get my 3 year old nephew to translate for you.
Regards, Chin Yang
Alas in the end my good conscience, sense of compassion, and fear of being beat up and left in three pieces in some dark alley prevented me from actually sending it out to Mr Baobiemaoy. But I did show it to Royce Yap, telling him afterwards that it was only a joke, that obviously I did not actually send out the mail, polite though it was, and I was merely fooling around the computer because I was bored.
5 mins later:
i’ve sent it to firstname.lastname@example.org
oh, and I cced you also.
Sigh. Well that’s that then. Thanks Royce. I’m going to get run over by a Sony electical motorcycle tomorrow and it’ll all be your fault.